Content Warning: Mention of trauma and triggers, as well as food and eating. Message me if you would like more information.
There have been and will continue to be times in my life when I’m super activated, either by stress or anxiety or trauma. When my cortisol goes bananas, and triggers a cascade of physical symptoms. Depending on what it is, and how severe, I will get sick to my stomach, have the shakes, be either very cold or very warm, not be able to eat, have racing thoughts or no thoughts. All super, super normal evolutionary survival processes that are profoundly unhelpful when you aren’t actually trying to run away from a giant tiger, but are instead trying to, I don’t know, work at a regular office job, go grocery shopping, or have a conversation.
The thing about these biological processes is that they don’t respond well to logic. You can’t necessarily reason yourself out of a panic attack, anxiety spiral, or trauma episode. It’s happening in the body, and to some extent, has to be addressed in the body. I have my own personalized toolkit, one that’s based on what I understand about how these processes operate, and on my own preferences, what I find most comforting. I share them with you here, not with the idea that you will replicate them exactly, but just to get you thinking about what coping mechanisms you might want to turn to the next time you feel anxious or stressed. Everyone has moments when they wish they could calm themselves down. It’s much easier when we already have established strategies in place before that happens.
Here are mine.
Stone
I have a rock that my friend, artist Kristen Winn, found on the Olympic Peninsula. She decorates them and sells them as Healing Stones. This one is just large enough to fit comfortably in the palm of my hand. I swear I can feel my heart rate drop when I hold it. When I’m starting to feel stressed for any reason, I’ll go and grab it. I hold it sometimes when I know a work meeting or personal conversation is going to be difficult. Or sometimes I will lie down and set it on my chest, where its cold heavy weight is a comfort.
Sports Night
Sports Night is the Aaron Sorkin show that he created before West Wing. I know, I know! There are so many things to be said about Sorkin, not all of them good. However, though it is not free of those issues, including the valid critiques about his women characters, this feels like the Sorkin of a more innocent time, and it is also from a more innocent time in my own life. In 1999, the year after I graduated from college, I often saw the billboards for this show, which said “Sports Night is about sports the way Charlie’s Angels is about law enforcement.” I didn’t watch much current television, so even with this enticement, didn’t seek it out. One evening, my boyfriend and I turned on the television randomly to see the episode we later learned was number seven, Dear Louise, and were so riveted by the sweet-hearted banter, that we were immediately hooked. The network didn’t quite know what to make of the show, and kept moving its air date, but we bought a TV Guide to keep up with it, we loved it so much. I’ve loved it ever since. I’ve watched it I don’t know how many times. When I’m feeling sad, Dan and Casey and Dana and Natalie and Jeremy are some of the friends who keep me company.
Flowly
Flowly is an app (iPhone only at the moment, though they’re working on the Android version) that is a bit like a home biofeedback kit. It gently guides you to work with your breath and your heart rate while you explore soothing virtual spaces, like ocean shores and groves of cherry blossom trees. Like a lot of people with PTSD, I sometimes have a hard time with traditional breath-based meditation. Telling me to “focus on my breath” isn’t always going to get you the soothing results you’re hoping for. This app does an end run around some of that, by pulling me somewhat outside of myself with the pretty pictures, and turning the breathing into a simple task that is about a kind of judgement-free mastery more than it is about mindfulness. I don’t have the training to explain it better than that, but I do know that this little app has helped me through some of the roughest moments of my life, and out the other side. Well worth the monthly fee.
Smoothies
When I’m anxious or activated or upset in some way, those feelings go straight to my stomach. I often get “butterflies” as my main physical symptom even with mild worry, and if it’s more intense, sometimes I have a hard time eating. I love food! I am extremely opposed to dieting and diet culture! I want to be able to nourish myself, and also food is one of the great pleasures of my life, a sort of hobby, to be honest. Not being able to eat bothers me so much. So when I feel this way, one of the main care-taking things I do is to find foods I can enjoy. Even if it’s the weirdest possible thing. If all I can stand to eat is olives, then by gosh, I’ll eat olives all day. Olives aren’t enough to live on, of course, so one way I can reliably make sure I’m getting enough raw calories is to make myself super nutrient dense smoothies. Just throw everything and the kitchen sink into a blender: fruit, oat milk, coconut manna (seriously, so good), almond butter, greens, all the things, and make it as much like delicious ice cream as I can muster. Does it need cinnamon? Vanilla? More sugar? Whipped cream? In it goes. Sometimes this calms me down so well that I can actually eat a solid meal afterwards. I try to keep the main fixings around all the time just in case.
Water
I’m a mermaid, and have been since I was a wee tiny baby. I’m just happier in water. I want to be swimming or in the bath more than anywhere else. When we used to go on beach vacations, my whole family would plan adventures, and I would stay in the water all day. Not even swimming, but just floating on my back with my eyes closed. Whenever I am at the ocean, even if it’s the dead of winter and freezing cold, I run immediately to the surf’s edge to make sure I’m touching the water as soon and as long as possible. When I’m upset, there’s nothing that will calm me down more quickly than being in water. Best case is wild water, where there is a current or waves, and hopefully small creatures to keep me company. If that’s not available, then a bath will also work wonders. And if that isn’t possible, even just splashing my face with cold water will push the reset button on my emotions.
Corsets
I love corsets, stays and boned bodices. Mostly for fashion reasons. They’re beautiful, and if fitted correctly, quite a bit more comfortable than an underwire bra. They do wonders for your posture, and make everything you wear them with just that little bit more glamorous. But as an extra special bonus, they are incredible for anxiety. It’s like wandering around all day wearing a weighted blanket. Like getting gently hugged by your clothes. I was in a crowded, unpleasant fairground once, and was getting increasingly agitated about everything, when I stopped by a booth to try on some beautiful handmade laced bodices. As soon as I got laced into one of them, my agitation fell away. It was like taking a bit of CBD oil, some milky oats tincture, and a cup of chamomile tea all at once, but in clothing form. It’s a bit of a production to lace yourself into a full corset when you’re already upset, but front-lacing stays are accessible if you’re feeling a little rough around the edges, or expecting your day to contain extra challenges. And you’ll look great the whole time, as a bonus.
Go to Bed
Last year, when I was triggered or upset, I started saying to myself, “I have the flu. I’m treating this as if I have the flu.” Occasionally I actually did feel physically ill, but even when I didn’t, I knew I wasn’t at my best. I couldn’t always make this happen, but when I could, I thought about what I’d do if I were otherwise very sick, and pampered myself accordingly. I would put myself to bed, maybe with some tea, probably with some Sports Night. Sometimes, we just need a nap.
Did this list spark anything for you? Do you have a favorite strategy you’d like to share? Come talk to me about it on Twitter. Or send me an email.
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